Monday, 16 January 2012

On time and postcards

And so the time passes. For anyone keeping count, I have roughly about a month to go (a little over, I think. Month and 1,5 weeks?) before I get to reintroduce myself to the Finnish culture.
I don't want to.
There, I said it. And it's probably not the first time I've said it in this blog.

I don't want to go back.
Not in a physical way or a psychological way.

Ok, so the second part of that is kind of already taken care of. I'm going back with much more than I packed coming here. The trick with utilizing what I've learned about everything so far is to try and somehow recreate being around people and meeting new ones as much as possible in Finland.
Yes, I will be attempting to hang out with friends and family as much as possible in the country famous for people not hanging out like that.
Never let it be said that I didn't take on more challenging tasks.
Not sure if I'm packing my heart with me when going back.
I'm not. Yup, sure that I'm not.

The intention was that I should start applying for jobs this weekend. Sending out applications and trying to figure out what sort of benefits I might be applicable and can I start applying now or do I have to wait until I'm in Finland. The plan was also to meet friends because boy howdy, when you open your heart to people and let them get comfortable there, the feeling of loneliness is SO much more intense when they're not there. I suppose this is why people have a lot of friends. I get it now. Do I always have to be the last to know how much I like people?
Needless to say this plan failed miserably this weekend. There was a little reading of government sites then a really good book (Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. If you haven't read it, you should. Now. It's not long, so shoo. I'll wait.... Ok.. did you read it already? it's on Project Gutenberg, so now you have no excuse. Come back when you've read the book) and then attempting to go see a fun movie for a change - Sherlock Holmes - only to wind up seeing possibly the most depressing movie I've seen in a long while.. even if it did have a cute naked young man. We Need To Talk About Kevin: it's a good movie, but women will remember it for the same reason they remember Donnie Darko.
Dear movie people, you really need to stop doing that. It's very inappropriate to start feeling that way when you're supposed to be immerged in psychological torture.

So yeah, not quite what I had in mind and at this point, I'm starting to feel the days slipping through my fingers, but the inevitable doesn't have to be bad. Just challenging. Winter. Finland. Please for the love of god someone get me a cute young man to wrap myself into to protect me from the cold!
Ok, this might have something to do with the fact that every single person I talk to keeps asking if I have a husband or a boyfriend in Mexico and then telling me I should just get married to one since it's eazy peazy for me to get a fella what with being cute and blonde.
I appreciate the compliments, but somehow, even after almost 5 months, this has not happened, so I'm thinking it would require more.
The canadian girl in my class met her mexican BF the first day she was here. Oh, and i'm the ONLY single person in my class.
*le sigh*
This schtick, it's getting mighty old and blunt.

So because this area of my life is non-functional, I have to entertain myself with sending useless promotional postcards back to the companies who made them.
Yes, this is how I spend my time.
Don't judge me, you would've done the same if you were given a pretty postcard as a promotional gift at a restaurant only to find out that you can't send it to a friend to tell them to go eat at the place because the address field is pre-filled with the restaurant's own address.
Promoting: UR doin' it rong!
I sent them feedback in Finnish.

Yeah, this being a better person thing might take a wee while yet. Though I did give them mostly positive feedback, so maybe I feel more guilty than I should.

Fear comes from doubt and doubt comes from things left unspoken. There are a great deal of things that still need to be said. In the chain of events that holds the past, the present and the future, only this moment counts in how the chain will shape out in moments to come. The heart fears when it has things to hide. This I still need to fix before the time runs out.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012



There are probably no short summaries of last year or no easy lists of hopes and aspirations to be made of 2012. Nope. Last year was all breaking points and big words. This year, 2012 and holy crap does that sound like I should be wearing a jet pack on the moon, is even bigger words with exclamation points.

Let's get one thing straight here though: I don't often go into terribly vivid details about what goes on inside my head, mostly because it can get kind of dull. Since it's the new year and all this traveling stuff is to make me understand things better, learn myself and appreciate myself better, this might get a wee bit... heavy. If I have the time I'll post a silly picture under this post at some point. Otherwise, you have been warned.

2011. It was. It was a whole lot of things. There was a job that was never intended to last as long as it did and there were people there who though good in their way, only served to keep each other small. There were bruised bodies and over-sized clothing. There was a family renewed and old grudges laid to rest while some old friends had to be let go. There was an exception that proved that the rule was indeed right.(And I'm SO never again sleeping with people I don't like. Not worth it, not one bit.) There was a new perspective, a plane ride, a warmer sun and the start of a new life. There was a mystery stalker, a cabbage patch kid, a junkie and a 60-year old who tried woo me.. because my love life is still a complete disaster. And in the final days, there was also a new job. Oh yes, I actually have a job that I love... even though I barely speak the language. Hey ho, I guess you learn while you go. :D
On that note, I can't actually tell much about the job quite yet. It might or might not affect taking spanish lessons and I might or might not have a week off right now. Yeah, it's all a bit hazy still. But when I can, there'll be exposition. New job does, however, require me to learn how to use Illustrator. Which is nice. Now if I just had the time to install it...

On 2012. Man, I don't even know where to start. It's a brand new year. 365 days (well, 362 as I'm writing this... 361 days +2 hours) for all the shenanigans. Ever. To work in a job I love, to make new friends, to get into a university and learn. To shed those last remaining bits of my old skin. 365 days of being completely myself, inside and out. What an enormous freedom. Most of the shenanigans for this year are basically down to working very hard, now that I'm learning how to work right and how to use my energy the right way. But there are a handful of things I can't create for myself alone: I wish to keep on working in jobs I love. I wish to enjoy my friends. I wish to spend next New Year's with people I love, in Times Square, in non-sombre moods, kissing a man I love until his brain falls out of his nose. I wish for my skin to heal. I wish to be wiser and draw better. I wish for my friends to be healthy and happy. And I wish that I would stop attracting advances from 60-year olds (unles they're Sean Connery) and junkies and stop whatever it is I do (emit radiation, probably.. which would beg the question "what sort of radiation?") that makes the people I have a crush on deathly scared of me.
Maybe it's a body odour thing.
Anyone want to test that with me? Anyone? Bueller?

On account of having Teh Dumb, I also have a basic reading list for 2012. Still debating whether to include 100 Years Of Solitude in this, or would the irony crush me. Otherwise, this is what I'm using my weekends on:

Olive Schneider: The Story Of An African Farm

Sven Lindqvist: Tappakaa Ne Saatanat (Exterminate All The Brutes)

On the history of genocides and Euro-centric thinking.

G.M.Gilbert: The Psychology Of Dictatorship

Pretty much what the title says.

Nathaniel Hawthorne: The Scarlet Letter

Minna Ahola – marjo-Riitta Antikainen – Päivi Salmesvuori: Taivaallista seksiä, Kristinusko ja seksuaalisuus (Heavenly sex. Christianity and sexuality)

Joe Sacco: Palestine

And then a bunch of other books that I've failed to write down for some reason or another and need to look up again. Now if I could just learn to write things down as they come to my head...

2012? It's gonna be a trip. :)