Transitions

It's been about two months.. about 2 months of anxiety and arrangements and some slight drama that comes when you start doing things and start doing them with other people irl and not just spending time inside your head. That's the funny thing about real life: everything affects everything. So when you get the good, you will inevitably also get the uncomfortable and confrontational.
About 2 months in Finland now. Things are.... different. Let's use a tired ole metaphor: It's like swimming in the sea. Mexico has proven to be not so much a time out as a paddling pool. Now I've been cast into the sea and told to sink or swim. Nay, not sink or swim, to figure out how to not only survive but to thrive in a new environment. This environment includes myself. First lesson is to understand that I can. Second lesson is to expand on that to see myself clearly in as many aspects as I can. This process never ends for as long as there's breath in me. The third lesson is to apply myself to this new environment either by changing things in it that are not functional, seeing what is good and worth cherishing and what is not and by learning to accept things that are not within my power to change and therefore just the little things that I need to brush off. I am not the lord of all universe, just a dust spec. Dust spec with the ability to cause a big bang. :)
There are 2 big challenges in this new place: to be myself and to figure out what I want my life to be. The rest of it is just details on how to make it all functional and mobile so I can carry this (myself, my goals, my happiness) with me.

To be blunt and less philosophical: I don't exactly enjoy the place I've been dropped into. The more I talk to people, the less it seems like most of them actually enjoy their life. With all the fast internet connections, drinking water on tap, social security and free education.. there is little appreciation of life, less focus on spreading this abundance. The lack of connection between people is tangible. There's also the staggering difference that comes from having absolutely everything handed to you, with no questions asked and when you have to work for every little benefit, starting from a floor that's not made of dirt. Or a roof. Or a front door. The focus on things that are considered important and worth your effort is simply dumbfounding and takes a while to get used to.
And then comes the inevitable realisation that all these things, these things that make up the bulk of our every day life, the embellishments that hold our interest when living in abundance, are not important.
It's also rather telling that most of the liver transplants made in Finland apparently are because of liver failures due to excessive use of "natural products" in pill form. You know the ones that claim to have the pure essence of this or that food/nut/seed/endangered species in them that the long lost tribe of MooMoo has been using for everything ever for centuries? Yeah, those. With the little text at the back of the box that says "may cause liver damage".
This is what we focus on. On what temperature our coffee is roasted in, did it grow on the south or north face of the hill, was the chocolate grown 2000 or 3000km above sea level, if we're going to lose 5 kilos in 5 weeks to look good enough at the beach, if the bouncer is making more money than the client and if their attitude is uppity so we can punch them after the bar closes and why exactly are bar owners so greedy that we can't get a cheaper buzz?

Good grief, Charlie Brown.

My desires changed in Mexico. I left 9 boxes of books and household items in Finland, after some screening, and thought that these things.. they were relevant. They were the most me and they were dear to me and I would be happy to have them again. Then I got back and noticed that I hadn't missed those things. I had little to no use for them and, most astonishingly, the things that I left because I thought they represented something personal to me, are not things that I like anymore. People change, but that my whole taste in.. well, everything, changed? But that's what happened.
Almost everything has had to go. Coffee cups, books, clothing. None of it looks like me anymore. Yes, I even had to get a new coffee cup because frankly, the old one made me cringe.
It's not important.
It's not what I'd do.

So here's the current situation:
I'm looking for a job in a new field. I'm working to employ myself efficiently. I'm also applying to study here, either to use our free education system and if that doesn't pan out, use a little money to keep learning regardless. I'm seeing the city. These places that I "never had the time" to explore, I'm exploring now that I'm here. I'll find pieces of myself that make me happy, pieces that can contribute to a greater good and shine for everyone. I will love, smile and breathe because I have the ability to be myself no matter the location and doing these things is what I can do every day for other people. There's something big coming. Something larger I can do. I just need to keep my heart open to the world.
This location is temporary. Just like everything else. It'll last for a heartbeat and when it's gone I don't want to have to regret NOT experienceing it. I'll learn how to swim with elegance and dive with purpose.
On that note, there's a little change I want to make with this blog. It'll be in smaller instalments, with more images, to share things that are important. Not just the huge things, but the little things that are important every day. That's the least I can do for anyone reading this. And then I'll hug you when I'll see you. :)


Looky how small we are!

Timelapse: EARTHEREAL from Adonis Pulatus on Vimeo.

On time and postcards

And so the time passes. For anyone keeping count, I have roughly about a month to go (a little over, I think. Month and 1,5 weeks?) before I get to reintroduce myself to the Finnish culture.
I don't want to.
There, I said it. And it's probably not the first time I've said it in this blog.

I don't want to go back.
Not in a physical way or a psychological way.

Ok, so the second part of that is kind of already taken care of. I'm going back with much more than I packed coming here. The trick with utilizing what I've learned about everything so far is to try and somehow recreate being around people and meeting new ones as much as possible in Finland.
Yes, I will be attempting to hang out with friends and family as much as possible in the country famous for people not hanging out like that.
Never let it be said that I didn't take on more challenging tasks.
Not sure if I'm packing my heart with me when going back.
I'm not. Yup, sure that I'm not.

The intention was that I should start applying for jobs this weekend. Sending out applications and trying to figure out what sort of benefits I might be applicable and can I start applying now or do I have to wait until I'm in Finland. The plan was also to meet friends because boy howdy, when you open your heart to people and let them get comfortable there, the feeling of loneliness is SO much more intense when they're not there. I suppose this is why people have a lot of friends. I get it now. Do I always have to be the last to know how much I like people?
Needless to say this plan failed miserably this weekend. There was a little reading of government sites then a really good book (Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. If you haven't read it, you should. Now. It's not long, so shoo. I'll wait.... Ok.. did you read it already? it's on Project Gutenberg, so now you have no excuse. Come back when you've read the book) and then attempting to go see a fun movie for a change - Sherlock Holmes - only to wind up seeing possibly the most depressing movie I've seen in a long while.. even if it did have a cute naked young man. We Need To Talk About Kevin: it's a good movie, but women will remember it for the same reason they remember Donnie Darko.
Dear movie people, you really need to stop doing that. It's very inappropriate to start feeling that way when you're supposed to be immerged in psychological torture.

So yeah, not quite what I had in mind and at this point, I'm starting to feel the days slipping through my fingers, but the inevitable doesn't have to be bad. Just challenging. Winter. Finland. Please for the love of god someone get me a cute young man to wrap myself into to protect me from the cold!
Ok, this might have something to do with the fact that every single person I talk to keeps asking if I have a husband or a boyfriend in Mexico and then telling me I should just get married to one since it's eazy peazy for me to get a fella what with being cute and blonde.
I appreciate the compliments, but somehow, even after almost 5 months, this has not happened, so I'm thinking it would require more.
The canadian girl in my class met her mexican BF the first day she was here. Oh, and i'm the ONLY single person in my class.
*le sigh*
This schtick, it's getting mighty old and blunt.

So because this area of my life is non-functional, I have to entertain myself with sending useless promotional postcards back to the companies who made them.
Yes, this is how I spend my time.
Don't judge me, you would've done the same if you were given a pretty postcard as a promotional gift at a restaurant only to find out that you can't send it to a friend to tell them to go eat at the place because the address field is pre-filled with the restaurant's own address.
Promoting: UR doin' it rong!
I sent them feedback in Finnish.

Yeah, this being a better person thing might take a wee while yet. Though I did give them mostly positive feedback, so maybe I feel more guilty than I should.

Fear comes from doubt and doubt comes from things left unspoken. There are a great deal of things that still need to be said. In the chain of events that holds the past, the present and the future, only this moment counts in how the chain will shape out in moments to come. The heart fears when it has things to hide. This I still need to fix before the time runs out.

2011--->2012

2012


2011

There are probably no short summaries of last year or no easy lists of hopes and aspirations to be made of 2012. Nope. Last year was all breaking points and big words. This year, 2012 and holy crap does that sound like I should be wearing a jet pack on the moon, is even bigger words with exclamation points.

Let's get one thing straight here though: I don't often go into terribly vivid details about what goes on inside my head, mostly because it can get kind of dull. Since it's the new year and all this traveling stuff is to make me understand things better, learn myself and appreciate myself better, this might get a wee bit... heavy. If I have the time I'll post a silly picture under this post at some point. Otherwise, you have been warned.

2011. It was. It was a whole lot of things. There was a job that was never intended to last as long as it did and there were people there who though good in their way, only served to keep each other small. There were bruised bodies and over-sized clothing. There was a family renewed and old grudges laid to rest while some old friends had to be let go. There was an exception that proved that the rule was indeed right.(And I'm SO never again sleeping with people I don't like. Not worth it, not one bit.) There was a new perspective, a plane ride, a warmer sun and the start of a new life. There was a mystery stalker, a cabbage patch kid, a junkie and a 60-year old who tried woo me.. because my love life is still a complete disaster. And in the final days, there was also a new job. Oh yes, I actually have a job that I love... even though I barely speak the language. Hey ho, I guess you learn while you go. :D
On that note, I can't actually tell much about the job quite yet. It might or might not affect taking spanish lessons and I might or might not have a week off right now. Yeah, it's all a bit hazy still. But when I can, there'll be exposition. New job does, however, require me to learn how to use Illustrator. Which is nice. Now if I just had the time to install it...

On 2012. Man, I don't even know where to start. It's a brand new year. 365 days (well, 362 as I'm writing this... 361 days +2 hours) for all the shenanigans. Ever. To work in a job I love, to make new friends, to get into a university and learn. To shed those last remaining bits of my old skin. 365 days of being completely myself, inside and out. What an enormous freedom. Most of the shenanigans for this year are basically down to working very hard, now that I'm learning how to work right and how to use my energy the right way. But there are a handful of things I can't create for myself alone: I wish to keep on working in jobs I love. I wish to enjoy my friends. I wish to spend next New Year's with people I love, in Times Square, in non-sombre moods, kissing a man I love until his brain falls out of his nose. I wish for my skin to heal. I wish to be wiser and draw better. I wish for my friends to be healthy and happy. And I wish that I would stop attracting advances from 60-year olds (unles they're Sean Connery) and junkies and stop whatever it is I do (emit radiation, probably.. which would beg the question "what sort of radiation?") that makes the people I have a crush on deathly scared of me.
Maybe it's a body odour thing.
Anyone want to test that with me? Anyone? Bueller?

On account of having Teh Dumb, I also have a basic reading list for 2012. Still debating whether to include 100 Years Of Solitude in this, or would the irony crush me. Otherwise, this is what I'm using my weekends on:

Olive Schneider: The Story Of An African Farm

Sven Lindqvist: Tappakaa Ne Saatanat (Exterminate All The Brutes)

On the history of genocides and Euro-centric thinking.

G.M.Gilbert: The Psychology Of Dictatorship

Pretty much what the title says.

Nathaniel Hawthorne: The Scarlet Letter

Minna Ahola – marjo-Riitta Antikainen – Päivi Salmesvuori: Taivaallista seksiä, Kristinusko ja seksuaalisuus (Heavenly sex. Christianity and sexuality)

Joe Sacco: Palestine

And then a bunch of other books that I've failed to write down for some reason or another and need to look up again. Now if I could just learn to write things down as they come to my head...

2012? It's gonna be a trip. :)

When will you just learn

Christmas time will probably never stop being busier than all hell, regardles of if you actually celebrate it or any other end-of-the-year holidays. Even if you might have nothing more strenuous than ordering pizza planned, rest assured if you have even one living relative or a friend that's not imaginery, the holidays will cause extra work. Relatives calling, baking like the world was running out of flour, the cat disapporving if there's no turkey. If your holidays are actually peaceful, then you're doing something wrong.

Now that mum's cookie factory (it's a long story but bascially she cooks traaditional holiday foods for a WHOLE bunch of people. We're talking about several kilos of any given food item and this year, 3 legs of a pig.. which sort of makes me wonder what they did with the fourth one or if they found a three-legged one especially for her. How would one go about locating a three-legged pig to eat it's legs?) has mostly closed for this year, the current projects are in no particular order: learn spanish (it's shamefull, really, my spanish), create portfolio (to sell myself), get a job (so I wont end up selling myself), read more because my brain is starting to get lazy and figure out what exactly do I need to do and to have in 2 months when I'm applying for schools in Finland.
Yeah.. I'm going back to Finland in 2 months.

*sigh*

Just to point it out, I don't actually wanna but I gotta. Laws and all that. Oh and free school. I would hurrah, but I don't really want to go back. But good on Finland for having free education. It's a great thing to have.
Now just to do something about that cold and that spiritual void and that drinking and what else... I'm sure there was something else that'll come screaming back to me as soon as I start understanding what people around me are saying again.

BUT, it ain't all gloom and doom. There is a plan being hatched. The plan would involve a lot of work on something or the other and still applying and studying in Finland for some time, but it would also include moving back to Mexico much much sooner than only after I've graduated. I like this plan. This plan makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to. That and the idea of at some point owning an apartment in Mexico City. I got goals. These goals also include learning a musical instrument, books, school, a work I enjoy, traveling and kissing people.
I think those are good goals.
Oh and possibly treating friends to holiday meals. And if I should ever make them cold fruit soup, then I would call it cold fruit soup and not a fruit salad with lettuce and beetroot. True story, bro. Maybe the beetroot just suffered in translation. Yeah, that's what it was. That's what I'm going to tell everyone if they question my cooking skills: "it's not the same in Finnish and in Spanish".

On post offices and ailing

This is a post office.
This is also a post office:



The difference between these two is that the former is an administrative building and currently serving as a museum in the historical centre of Mexico D.F. and the latter is a very actual post office, where people deliver mail and buy stamps and whatnots that go on mail. The latter is located across the street from the former. Never let it be said that Mexico wouldn't know how to appreciate what it's got.
Should you ever happen to saunter anywhere near the historical centre or one of it's museums, be prepared to get completely lost for several hours because nothing here is small or half-hearted. One could very easily, for example, visit a holocaust museum and end up spending 5 hours there.
Yes, there's a holocaust museum in Mexico City.
Yes, it is very large and thorough.
And yes, having excellent company is a must. Someone you can trust in case you get attacked by wilderbeast or need to be dragged out by your hair.

It's finals week in Mexico. Possibly this is a universal thing with all universities everywhere, but since I'm just learning this university language and life-style (apart from the sexual experimentation which I already did) (and the drugs, since I'm still trying to overcome the nausea caused by too much arnica tea.. it's for my foot... this isn't a tangent, I swear) I'm not going to swear on anything. So let's just say it's finals week in Mexico. Oh and next week also. What I've learned so far about our teacher and the few others I've run into is that they're generally very awesome and tend to pay more attention to your willingness and ability to learn than filling out papers to measure progress in terms of percentages and pie charts.
Mmm .. pie....
Er.. they might even give you a tip of two that are not entirely by the book should you exhibit enthusiams for more than sleeping in class. They also show patience beyond any normal human capacity. Personally, I would've whipped out The Ruler Of Doom a long time ago....
I've also learned that japanese guys are a tiny bit on the uptight/reserves side and it pays to have korean friends who know just how to make them feel uncomfortable. This is when things get funny. And that if you hang out with said korean friends, you get to say things like "You don't know 32. This is 32." and wave your finger in a very assertive way. And physically pester japanese guys into giving out their email addresses while saying "What's wrong with you?".
Good times.

It wasn't until Friday when the good times came to an abrupt halt when I accidently on purpose cracked my foot while trying frantically to out-manouver a stationary vacuum cleaner. And then I blacked out making arnica tea in the kitchen. And some people might have gotten a little worried. So they laid me on the livingroom table and taped magnets on me. Then I got cold, because christ it's bloody cold indoors in this country, and had to get off the livingroom table. Which is ok, because the lady who laid on the table after me, fell asleep on it. If there had been two of us asleep on the livingroom table with magnets taped on us, that would've just been weird.

All in all though, I just feel slightly nauseous from drinking too much arnica (apparently it's a poison and no one told me this before they told me to drink the tea) and the foot doensn't really hurt, it just looks like a purple waterballoon. Or a muskrat. Either one of those. So nothing is broken and I got an "oral" exam on Monday which my therapist found hilarious. And if I hang out with the korean friend some more, we might be able to force the japanese guy into giving out his home address for shenanigans.
Not that I'd really TP his house much....